Parenting With Ease

As our kids become teenagers, they build lives that are separate from ours, getting involved with activities, jobs, and friends. They may refuse or resent our assistance, sometimes even our presence, turning instead to their peers for guidance.

Power struggles, hurt feelings, and communication break downs may result as our teens continually push for more freedoms and privileges. However, even though it appears that they are pushing away from us, they need to know that we are paying attention, ready to be a safety net during challenging times.

Just as with all relationships, struggles can be minimized or even avoided when there are opportunities for open, honest communication. Take advantage of moments when your teen is talkative. Look for opportunities to be together, even if it’s her driving to and from the mall or doing the dishes. Listen intently, be curious, and allow them to fully express their feelings, views, and opinions. Here are some tips:

Give your attention. When your teen is hanging around and talking, tune in. Clear your mind of other concerns, to do’s, or unfinished duties and be prepared to completely hear his excitement, fear, sadness, or celebrations. In these moments give him 100% of your attention so he knows you are interested and what he talks about counts.

Accept. Set aside your way of thinking to hear your teenager’s opinions and feelings. Honor the unique individual they have become. The concerns she expresses may sound familiar and send you down memory lane, but if you want her to keep talking, this is not the time to share about your life. Your child’s life experiences and world perspectives are different from yours. Seize this opportunity to discover her point of view, not to teach her. Accept her -- no matter how irrational her feelings may seem as she begins shaping her own opinions and ideas.

Silence. Often, a response is not necessary. Be quiet, give your child the floor, and celebrate the fact that he’s talking -- to you. Invite him to share more information, “And then what happened?” “What did you do next?” “How did that feel?” Or validate their feelings, “It sounds like you are scared/frustrated/overwhelmed/excited/etc.”

This will build trust and confidence, setting the stage for more sharing, as he realizes that you are safe to express his feelings with.

Guidance. Brainstorming and problem solving begins AFTER feelings have been expressed and your child has a sense of your understanding and support. Rather than swooping in and fixing the problem, work to empower your teen to fix it. Identifying options and talking about the costs and benefits of each is a great place to start. This is the time to offer a different perspective. Encouraging her to choose an appropriate solution, to try it out, and supporting her through the trials and errors that will inevitably be a part of her journey (remember, we all learn good judgment through using bad judgment!) will accomplish your long-term goal of raising a successful, resourceful, confident adult.

The alarm goes off and your feet hit the floor for another busy day: Shower, do your hair and make-up, and get dressed; wake the kids; get them dressed and start prodding them to do their chores; then breakfast, dishes, and more chores; shoes, coats, bags, cell phone, keys (where did I put them?!); to the car, school/daycare, and finally work. At the end of your day, its pick the kids up from school/daycare; hit the grocery store and various other errands; baseball/soccer practice, dance, and music lessons; head home to throw together dinner; off again to 4-H meetings, events, and evening classes; back home for baths, homework, laundry, dishes; bedtime for the kids; pick up the house (maybe); then bedtime for mom and dad. For added stress, throw in power struggles, lack of cooperation, arguing, hunger, and exhaustion.

We fill every minute of every day in the name of productivity, in the hopes of providing our children with every enrichment, and in response to some vague sense that we must. When we finally do sit down, we've got the television or stereo going, while we chat on the telephone or skim the newspaper. Our children are no different; filling what unscheduled time they have with video games, toys, television, computers, movies, or mall crawling. More, faster, better is the mantra of our times. No wonder we (and our children) are stressed, stretched, and short-tempered. There isn't any time to nurture ourselves let alone time to nurture the inner spirit of our children.

What suffers at the hands of all this busyness? Our relationships as families. We become disconnected, in part, because there is not time for relationships to develop. We want our kids to "behave" and "do as we ask" and "stop making demands" to make the day easier ~ so we do not feel so stretched and stressed. However, our children act out in an attempt to communicate their needs (to feel powerful, valuable, unconditionally loved, accepted, understood, and to belong) to you.

Be curious and stay in touch with your child's world through regular conversations. Do you make time everyday to listen to your kid's adventures? Do you know whom they play with at recess? What are their passions? Which is their favorite sport, activity, or subject? As our children grow and change, these answers may vary on a daily or weekly basis. Often, they change as a result of an experience or interaction.

Strong family relationships are built on open and honest communication, patience with feelings, encouragement, understanding different perspectives, and acceptance of individual uniqueness. It takes time and commitment for a family to work together as a team to build these skills. Such skills are developed when there are lots of opportunities to be together as a family to laugh, play, listen, plan, teach, and encourage each other.

Is your day so busy and so fast that your family relationships are suffering? Do you feel disconnected from any member? If you answered 'yes' to these questions, it is time to take action to strengthen your relationships. Here are some recommendations:

Sit down with your partner ahead of time and determine a reasonable number of activities for a child at a time. Consider things like how much time is required for transportation, practices, games or meetings, fundraising, and so on. In order to know if you are on a good track, multiply that by the number of kids in your family. Still too dizzying? Cut back again. When you are comfortable with the parameters, meet as a family. Allow each child to choose their top priorities. (This may call for some detachment on your part. If Junior can only do two activities, he may choose to let go of baseball in favor of piano and chess.

Schedule a time for weekly family meetings and for weekly family activities. Use family meetings to organize the weekly calendar, divide or reassign chores, talk about family values, and discuss family issues. Family activity time is focused on fun. It can be as simple as taking a walk together, playing board games, reading a favorite story out loud, finger-painting, playing with Playdoh (clay, beeswax, Sculpey, etc), picnics, swimming, ice skating, or even picking up litter on the side of the road.

Consider turning off the television. Experiment with "No TV" for one week (National Turn Off TV Week is April 19-24). That means everyone and all programs, including the news. Notice what happens. Perhaps your family will rediscover reading, playing outside, or staying at the dinner table to talk. After your week of "cold turkey", you can ask each child to choose one or two of their favorite programs and work out a schedule. TV becomes a deliberately chosen activity, rather than background noise or constant entertainment. (It does help to cover your TV. Drape a lovely scarf over it, keep it in a cabinet, or put it on a rolling cart and park it in the closet when it's not in use. Out of sight, out of mind!)

Take time everyday to hear about each other's adventures, struggles, worries, and triumphs. This can happen over breakfast or dinner, in the car on the way home from school or to practice, or as you are tucking your child into bed at night. Listen, accept, and support each other.

Through listening, acceptance, time, and commitment, a solid relationship is built that can withstand conflict, growth, and separation. In the end, it is our relationships with family that support, encourage and ground us throughout our lives.

© 2004, Kelly Marker, Parenting With Ease.
May not be duplicated or reproduced without the permission of the author.

My oldest child, Alex, is now in middle school. It seems like it was only yesterday I was rocking him gently, singing lullabies, and cooing in his ear. Now, at 11 years old, if I attempt to approach him in public with a kiss, I am shunned and given an, “Awwww… Mommmmm!” And heaven forbid I even consider talking to him or give him a big wave goodbye as I drop him off at school!!

A dear friend of mine said to me, “…parenting is the sweetest most excruciating experience of my life.” I laughed and quickly agreed with her. The sweet moments are plentiful and the memories of those carry me through the not so sweet moments. The more excruciating times have occurred when I resorted to correcting my children by using guilt, fear, shame, and punishment.

There have been nights when I have gone to bed, racked with guilt about who I had been toward my kids -- mean, critical, quick to yell or place blame, grumpy, etc, etc. I would lay in bed and think, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I make my kids behave? I must be a bad mom.” Often, the next morning, I’d wake up with butterflies in my stomach at the prospect of facing another day of exhausting kid challenges. I resorted to everything I knew in an attempt to gain control – threats, punishments, shaming.

As a result, my beautiful, intelligent, and creative children became unsure of themselves. The trust level in my family’s relationship was low, communication was practically non- existent, and we were all exhausted from the struggle. We were caught in a negative cycle. A cycle that is destructive to the soul, lacks love, and desensitizes everyone involved. I knew something had to change for the sake of myself and my family, and I was pretty sure that it had to start with me.

With new information gathered from books, workshops, and parents I admired, I made a committed, conscious effort to change my behavior. Over time and with practice, I started to express my unconditional love, to teach and model the behavior I expect from my children, to set my expectations to a more reasonable level, and to establish clear, firm boundaries. In short, I became much more respectful.

It is easy to fall into a negative cycle of “discipline”. In addition to the tactics I used (guilt, shame, threats, and punishment) parents also utilize name-calling, put downs, fear and corporal punishment in the name of discipline. Recently, while at the grocery store, I overheard a mother call her young daughter (approximately 9-10 years old) a brat.

“You are such a brat!”
Hurt, her daughter replied, “I am not!” (I silently cheered for the young child’s attempt to stand up for herself)
Her mother viciously responded, “Yes you are! Just wait until we get home and I tell your father what a brat you have been today! He’ll really give it to you then!”

My heart hurt for the girl. She was crying at this point and her older brother was laughing at her while her mother continued to berate her.

On a separate occasion I watched a very frustrated mother of three (all under the age of five with one in a stroller) yell, swat bottoms, threaten more spankings, and yank the arms of her children. All of them, especially the mother, were all out of control. (Note: Research has shown physical force increases aggressiveness in children, contributes to vandalism, and creates low self-esteem. In short violence leads to violence.)

The tactics are not pretty and the results are heartbreaking. Using them assumes our children are born anti-social and need to be civilized and corrected. I am here to say the opposite is true. Our children are born innocent, wise, peaceful, intuitive, creative, and loving. They want stability, security, love, honesty, peace and to explore and experience our world.

The damaging effects of guilt, shame, fear, name calling, put downs, and punishments are indescribable. They lead to low self-esteem, lack of respect, no trust, and zero cooperation. These methods promote resistance, parent-deafness, power struggles, and retaliation. Children are shut-down and parents are exhausted from attempting to control the behavior of others.

The cycle continues because our natural tendency is to parent as we’ve been parented. We treat our children – the very people for whom we would move mountains and stand in front of speeding locomotives – as second class citizens. Our children are not being respected for the beautiful beings they are, and the disrespect starts with us.

To make this world a better place will require some significant changes in the how we parent our children. Effective, loving parenting requires conscious thinking; the courage to change step by step; to fail and to try again until our new behavior becomes habit. We must break the cycle of disrespect, and yes, it will require energy and ongoing, thoughtful effort. It is time to revolutionize our behavior to show unequivocal respect and unconditional love, kindness, understanding, and forgiveness toward our children and ourselves.

When I began changing my behavior, my children blossomed. Their sense of humor emerged; talents became apparent; the creativity was amazing. Our family became calmer, happier, loving, and more cooperative.

I am proud to say I now watch my son walk into middle school with his head held high, equipped with the courage to face his personal challenges. (This is a sweet moment.) I love that my kids are confident enough to express their opinions, share their beliefs, voice their concerns, and celebrate their successes. I am blessed to have such a wonderful, loving family and I tell them often.

© 2004, Kelly Marker, Parenting With Ease.
May not be duplicated or reproduced without the permission of the author.

“Give me back my toy!”
“I had it first! It’s mine!”
“If you don’t give it back to me, I’m gonna tell mom!”
“MOMMMMM!” Jason is being mean to me!”
“Am not, he gave me this toy forever!”

Sound familiar? You are not alone.

Sibling Fights have driven parents crazy for centuries. Such atrocities as grabbing toys, cheating, name-calling, poking, unauthorized entry into a sibling’s room, swearing, and worse yet bloody noses and bruises bring mom and dad running. The only moments of quiet are after bedtime and then parents are too exhausted to enjoy the peace.

Kids are kids and will always find something to bicker about. Punitive methods such as yelling, scolding, admonishing the “bully”, and time-outs have only a short-term effect on children’s behavior. Kids suffer through the punishment to, only moments later, continue their path of terrorizing their siblings. It becomes a never-ending cycle of fights and punishments.

Rudolf Driekurs’ said, “As parents we do not have the “power” to arrange the relationships between our children. We can influence their interactions by how we respond.” In other words parents cannot force siblings to love each other much less get along. However, parents do have the power to sway their children by how they respond to their children’s behavior.

In order to diminish conflict between siblings it is important to determine why children fight? What result is gained from the fight? Children fight, not because it feels good, but because there is a satisfying end result. The most common satisfying results to sibling fights are:

It helps a child reinforce his belief of who he is (i.e. good child, bad child, annoying child, slow poke, careless, beauty queen, fashionably inept, stupid, the brain, athletic, gifted, learning disabled, bully, baby, etc);
It gets the attention of the parent (some children mistakenly believe attention = love);
It keeps the parent busy with the children (reinforces a feeling of importance);
It provides excitement (admit it, you loved to see your siblings in trouble);
It allows them to experience the love after the punishment; and
A child is able to take out her anger and frustration on her siblings to make them feel as bad as she does.

When parents consistently react to their children’s fights through mediation, taking sides, protecting the “baby”, or any form of punishment it reinforces the satisfying end-result of the fight. The children begin to understand that fighting works to get a goal or need met. In other words, a parent’s reaction encourages more conflict.

What can a parent do to break the negative cycle and achieve longer lasting results?

Relax. Sibling fights are natural and in many ways healthy. Through argument children learn how to problem solve and resolve conflict. They also learn that angry feelings, in the moment, do not ruin the relationship forever.
Stay out of the argument. Ignore it, walk away, turn on the vacuum, turn on the blender, sing, turn on soothing music, think about your next vacation, or ask the children to argue in another room or outside. Children want to get their parents involved in the attempt to reach that satisfying goal. If they come to you to mediate the problem simply state, “I trust you are capable of solving this problem that is equal and fair for both of you.” If you have young children then assist them identify what they want and help them problem solve.

If you feel the situation is becoming out of hand or even dangerous then step in and firmly state, "I see two children about to hurt each other. Violence is unacceptable (name calling is off limits, blackmail is unauthorized, or bullying is not allowed, etc). It is time for a cooling off period." Send them to separate areas to cool down. After the cooling off period, encourage your children to calmly solve the problem so it is equal and fair for both.
Treat each child equally. If you feel you must intervene, then do so in a manner that treats each child equally. For example, “I hear some angry words, do you both need to take a cooling off period?” It takes both children to argue and they are both equally as guilty. If you must confiscate a toy do so calmly and tell them they may have it back when they reach a solution that is equal and fair to both.
Take time for teaching. During a calm moment take some time to teach your kids about creative problem solving, how to win/win negotiate, and how to ask for what they want (i.e. "What I want is..."). If you notice one child always conceding then encourage and empower him to take a stand and ask for what he wants. Teach your children they can make a difference.

There is an opportunity in the midst of a conflict to teach children how to express anger appropriately (punching a pillow, kicking a ball, exercise, going outside and yelling, smashing cheap insignificant toys, journaling, listening to music, etc). Once the emotions have been released then the problem solving can begin.
Take care of you. It is essential that you take some time out each day to nourish yourself. Take a hot bath, read a good novel, go for a walk, play with Playdoh, fix a yummy meal, whatever helps nourish yourself (click here for additional suggestions to nourish yourself). By taking care of yourself you increase your patience and ability to better meet the needs of your family.

This advice may seem difficult to do. You may even think this is crazy advice. “Ignore it! They’ll drive me crazy!” The conflicts may indeed intensify the first couple of days. The key is to stay consistent. When your children realize you are unwilling to participate in their conflicts their arguments will diminish.

Children fight. It is natural and healthy. When you stay out of their conflicts you:

·         place the responsibility of their relationship back in their care
·         set personal boundaries
·         show you have confidence in their problem solving ability
·         show you have confidence their ability to resolve conflict

By looking beyond the issue of the fight itself and listening to the message your children are attempting to communicate you will be better equipped to handle future conflicts.

© 2004, Kelly Marker, Parenting With Ease.
May not be duplicated or reproduced without the permission of the author.